I finally saw the Goblet of Fire.
I liked it. I did! Honestly. Just... this one thing...




Dear Mr. Gambon,

I realize you were given an impossible task. To fill the shoes of Richard Harris is to... well, for lack of an extremely witty metaphor, it's like telling a very, very small thing to go and stand in a very, very big thing and fill it up. You seemed confused, annoyed, angry, stunned, confused again, perplexed, agitated, and confused. Additionally, you need to look to your right. Yes. That actor? His name is Mister Rickman. He's lovely; shake his hand. Watch the way he wears his robes. It isn't some magical gift of physique--he's a bit portly himself.

Bitch, don't you dare tell me it's that black is slimming!

...Sorry, where were we? Yes. The way he uses his robes when he moves instead of treating them like an old shirt. The way he moves his hands, his mouth. The way he stretches and cuts his words. It's this thing called acting. Mr. Gambon--when Daniel Radcliffe is beating you at acting, there's something wrong.

Look, I guess what I'm saying is... you've got no presence. No presence. I don't believe you're in charge. Maggie Smith is stomping your ass. (Rightfully so--is it weird of me to think she's pretty hot? Because I so do.)

But I suppose I can't totally blame you. Richard Harris was King Arthur for a reason. Even at the end of his life, he could convey the impression that he was the most powerful wizard in the world--and underneath it, there was this beautiful fragility. Dumbledore is a man who has *lived*. He's fought wars. He's staggering through this one. This is the battle that's going to kill him--and he knows it.

WHY DON'T YOU?

YOU FUCKER! YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKER! GAH! YOU MAKE ME WANT TO PUT MY FIST THROUGH MY DESK! YOU MAKE ME WANT TO THROW SHIT AT THE MOVIE SCREEN--AND BY THE WAY, YOU *DO* GIVE A SHIT THAT A CHILD HAS JUST DIED IN THE TOURNAMENT--YOU *DO*! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT 'TRIBUTE'? YOU'RE THE HEADMASTER OF A SCHOOL FIRST AND FOREMOST--WHY DO YOU THINK YOUR CHARACTER DOES IT, FOR THE EXCELLENT BENEFITS?! YOU CARE! YOU CARE! YOU CARE! *thwaps repeatedly, thwaps until hand turns blue, thwaps until hand falls off*

...

Dumbledore bothered me so much.

.....

I feel dirty.

.......

*Cries*



In other news, Ralph Fiennes? You will make a fine Voldemort. We will keep you.

Happy Turkey Day, fellow Americans!